The doctor was lecturing a class on sex. He asked, "Do you know what the first oral contraceptive was?" A coed said, "No". The doctor said, "Exactly!"
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Once upon a time ago in a distant land, there was a King. A daughter he had and when she came of age, he decided to find the princess a husband. He decided that his son in law to be had to be a brave and courageous man. So one morning, all the young men in the kingdom were summoned by the lake which was brimming with crocodiles. The then King declared. "The first man courageous enough to swim across this dangerous lake shall have the princess’ hand in marriage!" Much to the dismay of the King everyone seemed reluctant. "Is there no brave lad in the whole kingdom?" even as the King queried, there was a splash and the crowd cheered. A young man was seen swimming across the lake, warding off the crocodiles. When he reached the other shore, the King rushed to meet the flushed youth. "You are indeed a rightful suitor for my daughter! Your bravery will make you a fitting king and I will shower you with riches!" "I don't want any of that" The young man replied. "Then what do you want pray tell?" The King asked, rather surprised. "I just want to push the coward who pushed me instead of jumping in himself."
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your esteemed notice.
1. There is a button 'START' but there is no 'STOP' button. We request you to check this out.
2. We find there is 'RUN' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'RUN' he ran all the way to
3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 'RE-CYCLE', but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is 'FIND' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' FIND' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items? I assure you they all belong to me
7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single Picture of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
One personal questions.. Why is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in ten-digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: 'Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): 'I already have someone to cut my lawn.'
Boy: 'Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.'
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance): 'I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida.'
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: 'Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.'
Boy: 'No thanks'.
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!'
Son (while filling up a form): “Dad, what should I write for mother tongue?”
Red Indian Father: “Forked!”
Santa : People consider me to be GOD
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! You are here again.
With Contributions from Reshma, Razzak Osman and others